The Meaning of Marriage, Part 1

Almost a year ago now, as I was preparing the Thanksgiving meal we would share with Mr. FW's parents, I became aware that I was spending time reflecting on relationships and family - more specifically, how relationships shape how we define family.  I had been casually referring to Mr. FW's family as "my in-laws" for a while, probably since the time everyone started taking for granted that I would be included in his family functions.  Last year though, as I was about to tell someone, "We're having Thanksgiving dinner with my in-laws," I stopped myself from using that term, instead changing it to "dinner with Mr. FW's parents."  In that split second I recall thinking that they would be my legitimate in-laws in less than a year, so I should reserve that term for the time after we're officially married.

The phrase ricocheted around in my mind for a second longer than it should have before I realized why it felt so uncomfortable.  We spent the majority of our relationship knowing that "officially married" is something we couldn't have.  So for us, and I imagine for many other queer and/or non-traditional couples, not being able to (or not wanting to) get "officially married" means that there's no hard-and-fast moment when a relationship moves from dating to committed.  So when do you call your partner's parents your in-laws, when does your partner become an assumed member of family photos, when do people get to feel okay asking you about whether you'll have kids, etc. etc.?    Basically, when do people see you and your partner as a family rather than just a relationship?  And how does that timing relate to when you and your partner see yourselves as a family? 

Like it or not, in this society the act of entering into a marriage adds legitimacy to your relationship - in your eyes, in the eyes of your families, and in the eyes of the law (at least for heterosexual couples, and for some gay couples in terms of state law only).  And weddings are the way we mark the moment we enter into a marriage.  So marriages/weddings answer all those questions and so many more.

image via mindpetals.com

Mr. FW and I have known for at least the past four years that we were in it for the long haul.  Our relationship was entirely legitimate to us and we saw ourselves as a little family (or a pack, as we refer to ourselves and the dogs).  But I know I wasn't prepared for how much other people's views of our relationship would impact how I felt about our relationship, and over the eighteenish months of our engagement I've started to feel the many ways this wedding will change a lot of little things.  

For instance, after we got engaged it felt like our relationship seemed more "normal" to people - they knew how to relate to it and they had a social framework for understanding it.  I was engaged, which meant I'd then have a wedding.  Everyone knows what those things are and what they mean.  So after we get married, Mr. FW will be included in our family's holiday name draw, he'll be expected to be present in family pictures, it will be assumed that he and I will travel places together, and it will make sense to people when we talk about having kids.  All those little things add up, and they make me feel like people are actually seeing Mr. FW and I as we've seen ourselves for such a long time - as a family.  Before I had these little privileges and assumptions, I didn't realize I was missing them.  But now that I have them, I'm aware of how much more significant our relationship feels... to me.  It's hard to imagine our relationship feeling more significant than it already did, but with all of that added legitimacy, somehow it does.

I'm not sure if that resonates with anyone else, but for me I know that being engaged and planning a wedding have shown me meanings of marriage that I hadn't before known and/or considered.

Can you relate to this at all?