I Can't Believe It's Time

It's 1:00 a.m. on the day of our wedding, and I'm writing this from my hotel room.  Party Person N is asleep nearby and junior party person M is asleep in the living room (yes, my hotel room has a living room!), yet here I am so amped up that I can barely even fathom the thought of closing my eyes.  I know I need to sleep, but I feel this intense need to keep my eyes open and take all of this in - like sleeping for even a second might mean missing out on part of this crazy-wonderful-magical time.  I've been sensing the 'wedding bubble' around me all day today, and I know that the feeling of this moment won't last forever.  I'm trying very hard to take the sage advice offered in my bee twin Miss Seal's last post, and just breathe and stay in that moment for as long as I can.  

Tomorrow morning I will wake up and do a little bit of a decoration set-up, then I will sit back and wait for all the rest of the meticulously planned pieces to fall into place.  To say that I'm thrilled wouldn't even begin to cover it.  :-)

To the hive: Thank you so much for all of your help, advice, support, and kind words over these last few months.  Sharing our planning with you has been an amazing journey, and I've learned so much about myself along the way.  I look forward to having some time post-wedding to write more about the personal aspects of our planning process, and of course I can't wait to show you how all the details come together!

To Mr. FW: Tonight when you teared up as I was reading my vows at the rehearsal, I was reminded of why I'm marrying you - because you are deeply touched by this commitment we are making to each other, and I know you don't take that for granted.  Right now those vows are just words on a page, but you know that those words are truly written in my heart and that this little wedding thing we're doing tomorrow is just the incredible celebration of a love that's already rock solid.  After so many months and years of planning and preparation for this day, I am ready beyond words.  

And with that, I'm finally turning in for the night.  See you all on the other side!

Artistry, of the Hair and Makeup Variety

Of the many things that I love about my appearance, perhaps my very favorite physical features are my eyes and my hair.  Nearly every time I look in the mirror, I notice one or both of those and I can't help but smile at my reflection.  It's not vanity, and I hope it doesn't come across that way.  It's just that I truly believe everyone should have aspects of themselves (physical, relational, emotional, intellectual, etc.) that they can acknowledge as strong, positive features (even if, at times ,it's simultaneous with with less positive features - for instance my acne-prone skin).

So, given this love affair I have with my eyes and hair, you'd think I'd have spent more time considering my wedding hair and makeup.  But, in actuality, I had one very brief moment of hair inspiration and zero ideas about makeup.  I don't know if it was anxiety or just feeling overwhelmed with other stuff, but I showed up to my trial session with one inspiration picture and almost no ability to articulate what I was looking for.  Thankfully my amazing hair and makeup artist Lucy Flint knew just what questions to ask to get a sense of my wedding day vision, and then she began to work her magic.  (Side note: She even continued with said magic as the building was rocked by a 3.8 magnitude earthquake.  That's running a business in the Bay Area for ya!)

Over the course of a few hours we tried out a makeup look, with and without false lashes, and two different hairstyles.  I was so pleased, relieved, and excited about how great everything turned out that I wanted to go back for a second trial to do a bit of a different hair version.  You know how I love me some options!

Forgive the poor lighting - it was dark by the time we finished.

{half-up hairstyle, makeup with no lashes, and post-work sleepy eyes}

{low messy side bun, with lashes}

{with the headband}

From this trial I learned that even relatively heavy makeup can look quite light in pictures, so we're going to pump up the eyes and lips a bit on the wedding day until it looks just right in our photographs.  Also, I am absolutely going with the false lashes because they looked amazing!  Lastly, although the low side bun was oh-so-lovely, I realized that I really had my heart set on a half-up hairstyle.  The only uncertainty I had was about those frizzies along my hairline.  Hmm...

So today I returned, complete with updated hair color, to try a curlier look.

{curlier half-up 'do, my regular makeup}

Ignoring the crazy curl wisps escaping on the top of my head (which we'll smooth down in the final look), I'm thinking I like the curlier style better.  The frizzies are still there, but they're much less noticeable.  Also, this style probably has a better chance of making it through the night without becoming a frizzball since my curls weren't brushed out (as they were in my initial trial).  Mostly though, this whole look just feels a little more "me."

The only thing I'm now trying to decide is how much to pull my hair over my forehead.  The sideswept hair is very different from how I normally wear my hair, so it feels more special.

Whereas I think the pinned-back hair opens up my face more.

I'm leaning towards the side-swept hair, but if anyone has a reality check for me please let me know!  Otherwise, I'm feeling great about how my beloved eyes and hair will be showcased on our wedding day.  Yay!

I feel so grateful that I somehow stumbled across an incredible hair and make-up artist who is talented, responsive, patient, and so much fun to be around.  What more could I ask for?!  Unfortunately for my Bay Area brides, Lucy is moving to New York in January.  But good news NY brides - you have an amazing resource headed your way soon!

Would you ever consider ponying up the cash for a second trial?  Why or why not?

Last-Minute Dress Decision(s)

Today marks the two week point for the Ferris Wheels, and I gotta be honest that it feels crazy-making to know we're so close yet there's still so much that needs to get finished.  Some of those last-minute tasks make sense:  escort cards (because we're still trying to finalize our guest list), seating arrangements (because we're still trying to finalize our guest list), and baking stuff for the dessert buffet (because there's only so long that a baked good will last).

Then there are other tasks that I really wish had been completed earlier, but for one reason or another they're still up in the air like the videographer (because we didn't decide until the last minute that we even wanted one) and wedding party gifts (because of various snafus in the production process).  But perhaps the biggest last-minute project(s) has to do with my dress.

When I bought the dress, I didn't pay much attention to the train because that just wasn't on my priority list.  Well, now that I'm having to make final alterations decisions, apparently I have to decide whether or not I want to keep it.  My primary concern about the train is how it will fit with the limited amount of space in our ceremony venue.  If you don't recall, the ceremony room looks like this.

{Mr. FW and I will stand in that window along with our wedding party, the area leading to the window will be the aisle, and limited chairs will be squeezed in there as much as possible.}

And now here's a picture of how the original train length looks on me.

One thing's for sure: the train as it is will absolutely not fit well in the space.  For.  Sure.  Plus the alterations woman told me that, no matter what, she recommended reducing the length of the train because it's currently disproportionate to my height.  This is not something I'd ever considered before, but I suppose it makes sense.  

So I think my options are thus: 1) reduce the train, hope it fits in the ceremony space without looking stupid, then bustle it for the reception; 2) leave it bustled throughout the day, no need to worry about whether or not it fits in the ceremony space; 3) chop it off - no train, no bustle, no hassle.

For your reference, here are some pictures the seamstress took of a potential bustle for this dress (not necessarily the one I'll go with, but it's an option).

I feel torn, Hive!  If I'm being really honest with myself I can admit that I kinda like the idea of chopping off the train.  But as soon as I think that I tell myself this is probably the only time in my life when I'll get to drag around a bolt of extraneous fabric attached to a garment I'm wearing, and I question whether I'd actually want to give up that experience.  Plus - the bustle is just 'meh' for me.  I don't necessarily love it.  

So I'm looking for the invaluable insight that only a group of similarly wedding-obsessed people can provide!  Given what you know about me, my style, and our ceremony space, which train option do you think I should go with?

(insert poll)

Option 1: Let it flow then tuck it in.

Option 2: Bustle me all night long.

Option 3: No bustle, no problem.

Can't wait to see what you think!  Have you given any consideration to train changes you might want to make for your dress?

(And also, in case you were wondering, the other last-minute dress decision has to do with whether or not I'll be wearing a shrug with the dress.  I really want to, but as the days tick by without a good option on the horizon, this decision might just be made by default.)

It's Feeling Real Now, Folks!

Yep, today Mr. FW and I made the arduous ten minute trek to City Hall, and we completed the shockingly easy task of applying for a marriage license.  As we walked up the front steps of the building I recalled that the last time I was actually inside the City Hall rotunda was a few years ago when one of my friends married his husband during the brief period of time when gay marriage was legal in California.  On that day the entire building was full of lights, cameras, press members, happy couples, and excited guests.  But today the place was silent, with only our voices echoing off the marble.

There were no signs directing us where to go, so we wandered around until we found the unassuming corridor with the door marked 'County Clerk.'  We actually arrived on time for our appointment, and if you know me at all, you know what a miracle that is.

Mr. FW lovingly offered to fill out the form for us since I was pretty busy snapping pictures of the whole process.  My favorite part of the license application was this: "At the time of application for a marriage license, one or both parties to the marriage may elect to change the middle or last names, or both, by which that party wishes to be known after solemnization of the marriage...  Parties may adopt any of the following last names: the current last name of the other spouse; the last name of either spouse given at birth; a name combining into a single last name all or a segment of the current last name or the last name of either spouse given at birth; a hyphenated combination of last names."

How incredible is that?!  I love the flexibility that California law allows for both parties when it comes to changing names with the marriage license.  (Also, I know I haven't posted about mine and Mr. FW's thoughts when it comes to name changes, but I will later if it interests anyone.)

A few minutes later and our form was all processed and ready to go.  We were given the information about what our "officiant" (aka deputized sister of the groom) needs to fill out, which we promptly forgot and will have to research again later.

And that was it.  So quick and so simple, this legal process to get married.  Mr. FW commented on our way out that, for how easy it was to get a marriage license, it somehow makes it even more sad and ridiculous that not everyone can get married - in this state or so many other places.  And I certainly agree.  *sigh*  Maybe one day...

As for us, our license is good until January of 2012 so let's just hope we can pull off a wedding sometime between now and then!

Was anyone else amazed by how easy the marriage license process was?  (I think I remember my mother telling stories that, back in the day, they required bloodwork in order to secure a marriage license.  Sheesh!  So, so glad we've moved on from that.)  :-)

History, and Old School Photoshop

You know how I said that my mom and I were going through her wedding stuff this past weekend?  Well as part of that conversation I found out the most fascinating thing about her wedding photos - something I'd never noticed in all my years of casually flipping through her wedding album every now and then.

She showed me this picture:

And she focused my attention on one particular detail.

Notice anything about this close-up, besides the fact that my mom is absolutely gorgeous?  Anyone thinking that her eyelashes are amazing in this picture?  Well, they should be.  Those lashes were given the old school photoshop treatment.  If you don't have the slightest clue what that could mean, then you're in good company because I'd never heard of this particular technique either.

It means that those lashes were actually painted onto the printed photo itself!!  Can you believe that?!  

I was completely floored when she told me, but as I flipped through her album looking for additional evidence of old school photoshopping, I saw it everywhere.  There were pictures where the photographer painted in sections of my mom's hair because the tip of her ear was peeking through, and multiple examples of him painting in eyes on my father because my dad was squinting in many of the photos.

It's incredible to me that I never noticed this before, but I guess it's proof that no one scrutinizes your wedding photos like you do.  That's certainly a good lesson for a perfectionist like me.  It also made me really happy that there are more advanced photo manipulation techniques available to modern photographers.  Of course, the minute I have that thought I flash forward to the day we'll flip through our wedding album with our kids and they will scoff at how dated those now-so-modern Photoshop effects are.  Ahhh, the neverending march of time (and technology).

Was anyone else aware of photographers painting/drawing directly onto printed images?  I'm curious how widespread this practice was.

A Little Piece of History

This past weekend I flew back to Georgia to spend a weekend with my mom, brothers, and my grandparents.  In all the crazy hustle and bustle of last-minute wedding planning (24 days and counting, gah!), it was nice to get away from the stress for a bit and reconnect with family.

While I was home there was a lot of wedding talk of course, which spurred my mom to pull out some of her own wedding stuff.  As soon as I saw her veil and headpiece in the dress box, I couldn't resist trying it on.

Here's my beautiful mother wearing her veil over thirty years ago.

And here I am - proving that this look was much better on her than it is on me.

The headpiece may not be the right style for me, but I actually liked the edging on the veil and I started to wonder whether I could find a way to re-purpose my mom's veil as my veil.  So I gathered it up and held it in a way that kind of imitated what it would look like if the veil was attached to a comb rather than the lace headpiece.

It has a little more body than I might have chosen otherwise, but the history and symbolism of it being my mom's veil way outweigh any tiny preference I have about length or puffiness.  The only question now is whether the color is a close enough match to my dress.  In the overhead lighting of the house it looked as white as the day my mom wore it, but in the bright SF sunshine it was looking a bit more cream.

I have my first dress fitting today, so that will give me a chance to see if the coloring will work.  If it does, then you can pretty much bet this will make its way onto the "must have" project list.  I'm not-so-secretly hoping that it does!

What little pieces of history will you be incorporating on your wedding day?  And does anyone have any tips for me about how to attach tulle to a comb?

The Meaning of Marriage, Part 2

In ways large and small, and ways that I don't even know yet, marriage will change a lot about our relationship because of the meaning it holds both for us and for other people.  I have been a staunch advocate of marriage equality for as long as I can remember, but being on the verge of marriage myself really illuminates all the ways that marriage is different from a civil union.  Those changes I referenced in my last post, well, I'm not sure if or when they would've happened if Mr. FW and I weren't getting married. 

It seems to me that people have been viewing us differently since we got engaged, and I think it's because they know what a marriage is, they know what it means, and they know how to relate to it.  It's not like we didn't have a serious relationship before, because we did.  But our relationship looks somehow more significant to people now, and thus they react to it differently.  Like everyone else, we had the option of entering into a civil union or domestic partnership earlier in our relationship, but we wanted to get married.  And marriage is not the same as a civil union or a domestic partnership.  The proof of this is that even heterosexual couples avail themselves of these options in order to, say, take advantage of their partner's health insurance benefits, and they can do so prior to the point where they feel "ready" to get married.  For me personally it sometimes feels like civil unions and domestic partnerships are talked about as if they are "wedding light."  I don't necessarily see it that way, and I'm sure queer couples (who enter into those arrangements because they're the closest they can currently get to marriage) don't see it that way, but to me it's pretty clear that marriage is more than just the act of two people legally entangling themselves with one another.

For instance, we bought a house together (a legal and financial entanglement) long before we were ever engaged, and we could tell at the time that some people thought that was probably an irresponsible decisions for us to make. Because as a society we tend to understand things like joint home ownership through the lens of marriage.  And we understand raising children through the lens of marriage.  We understand so much through the lens of marriage.  Yes, these are culturally constructed understandings of marriage, but Mr. FW and I live in this culture and we can't separate ourselves from that.

We have grappled very seriously with the potential hypocrisy of taking advantage of the institution of marriage when it would have been denied to us as recently as a year ago.  I don't think there are any easy answers to this issue, either.  In the end, we came to some important conclusions that feel okay to us but might not be a good fit for other people.  So I offer the caveat that these thoughts are ours and ours alone.

image via Stinkerpants.com (aka Mrs. Cream Puff!)

First, we have been supportive of any couple who wants to avail themselves of marriage at any time they can.  This has included brief periods of time where gay marriage was allowed in San Francisco and/or legal in California, even if those decisions were later reversed.  In fact, we considered getting married as a queer couple back when it would have been legal in California, but we decided we didn't want to rush something that was so important to us.  Second, we can't see a way that not accessing the privilege of legal marriage for ourselves would support the fight for marriage equality.  We actually think that accessing marriage will give us a platform to better speak to people about just what marriage gives us that we wouldn't have had access to otherwise.  We both strongly believe that individuals with privilege can - and should - find ways to utilize that privilege to advocate for those without privilege.  And third, we recognize that, for us, knowingly engaging in such privilege necessitates taking on the responsibility of acknowledging that privilege whenever we can and not allowing ourselves to become blind to it.

We have come to these conclusions based on what marriage means to us right now, as an unmarried but engaged couple.  I'm interested to see how getting married, being married, and staying married will change how we perceive its meaning in the future.

What experiences have you had that illustrate the meaning of marriage in your life?