Keeping It All Organized

Many moons ago a document was forged, upon which was painstakingly penned a list of all tasks, known and imagined, in order that peace and tranquility might be obtained by those soon to be betrothed.

Translation:  We made a wedding to-do list on Google Docs. 

Why Google Docs?  One word: convenience.  It's super easy to share and edit the list together because it's accessible from anywhere.  Interestingly, Mr. FW doesn't like the "spreadsheet" layout I prefer.  His primary complaints (and I agree with them, just not enough to change anything) are that the list extends beyond the width of the screen and that adding a lot of info into one cell increases the size of all the cells in that row.  So he chooses to maintain a separate Google Doc with all the same info, just in list form. 

I prefer the spreadsheet because I like to color-code the boxes as we're working on things so I can quickly see what's finished (blue), in-progress (yellow), and not yet started (white).  If you're following along closely here, you'll notice that we were kicking ass in January, slowed down but were still active in February, really lost our mojo in March, and were completely helpless in April.  May's been a little better, but not much.  Thank goodness it's so easy to cut and paste tasks to reassign them to a later month.  Not that I ever do that.  Nuh uh...  not me.  (And please don't worry - I pulled these screenshots over a month ago, so some of this actually has happened since then!) 

We also use Google Docs to track all of our budgeting and spending.  Theoretically this is wonderful because either of us could add our expenses to the list.  Practically speaking, I'm the one who updates this list with my own purchases plus the receipts given to me by Mr. FW.  I love that I can access my documents from work or home or anywhere else.  So when I'm on my lunch break and feeling overwhelmed with worry that I didn't account for the $8 glue sticks I bought last week, I can quickly log on and reassure myself that every.little.thing has indeed been tracked.

Speaking of Google organizational tools, I can't neglect to mention Gmail.  I dearly, dearly love it for its labels, folders, archiving, search features, and the ability to Gchat with people in real time.  By my estimation, it is far and away the best email system out there. 

The only other "organization" system I've used is some well-labeled computer folders in which I store inspiration pictures I come across online.  No one else has these folders, right?  :-)  These were a lifesaver during the past few years as we were casually planning the wedding, but now you can see that many of these folders haven't had anything added to them in the past six or seven months (and apparently I haven't thought about wedding makeup since September of 2009!).

At some point I tried to put together a wedding binder so that I could have hard copies of my absolute favorite ideas plus any contracts we'd signed, thinking that I'd take it with me to all my vendor meetings and such.  But it's still sitting on our bookshelf, unused and completely empty.  We have electronic copies of all our contracts, and having inspiration images on the computer alone hasn't been a problem for me.  Given what an internet junkie I am, I guess it makes sense that all my organizational tools are online.  Might not be for everyone, but it works for me!

What kinds of stuff have you needed to organize, and what tools get the job done for you?

How Long Can I Put It Off?

Fact:  We are five and a half months out from our wedding and I don't have a dress.

Fact:  Every time I think about wedding dresses, I feel like I want to cry (and I don't mean happy cry.)

Now that I've set the stage, let's get to the backstory.  I like to think of myself as a somewhat fashion-conscious person, but I am by no means an avid shopper or a fashionista.  Let's just chalk that up to being a plus-size girl for nearly my entire life.  So this dress thing is hard, hard, hard and I am seriously not excited about it.  (Kid you not, I am choking back tears as I'm typing this.)  I thought that waiting until I was at the six month mark would kick in some sense of urgency that could potentially turn into excitement, but it just hasn't.  Not to be dramatic, but I feel paralyzed - not willing to do what I probably should do and not sure what I want to do instead. 

Here are the problems I've identified so far.  Number one: I want really badly to love every gorgeous inch of me, but I'm seriously unhappy with my upper arms.  And though there are many things a wedding dress can tuck, lift, camouflage, or enhance, upper arms are not generally one of them.  So I kinda want to wear some sort of elbow-length jacket with my dress so that I can highlight my favorite assets, but I don't want to look overly modest.  (Not that there's anything wrong with modesty, of course.  It's just not what I'm going for.)

image via Traditional Wedding Dress

Number two:  I have a really hard time picturing myself in a white gown on my wedding day.  In fact, when I was a teenager I told my mom that if I ever got married I wanted to wear something hot pink and patterned.  My adult self doesn't find that aesthetic quite as appealing any more, but I do find myself drawn to gray-hued designer dresses.  The problem with those dresses is twofold: the sizes and the price.  If I opted to go with a non-white gown that's not a wedding dress, I have an intense fear that I'll just end up looking like like a charicature of a bride rather than myself as a bride.

image via Wedsmack

Number three:  Dress shopping is not convenient for me, and I'm really busy these days.  I can't just make an appointment at any ol' bridal salon and expect to try on a bunch of dresses because plus-size inventory is significantly limited in almost all dress stores.  To that point, I called the Priscilla of Boston store in San Francisco the other day to ask whether they have plus size samples in their stores.  The nice lady told me that almost all of their dresses can be ordered in sizes up to 32 (I think), but the largest samples they carry in their store are a size 14.  She suggested that by leaving the zipper open they could probably "get me into" some of the dresses so I'll have a sense of what a dress will look like on me "before I order it."  What are the chances I'm going to fall in love with a dress if I'm stuffed into it like a bridal sausage?  And am I crazy for thinking that I would never, ever, EVER buy a wedding dress that I couldn't try on first?  I mean, you can't return those things.  So if it comes in and it doesn't look good on me, I'm totally screwed!  That makes me anxious just thinking about it. 

dress by Allure Bridals

And while I'm on this soapbox - for those places that do offer larger sizes in their dresses, would it kill them to show pictures of actual plus-size women in these dresses on their website?  (And don't try to fool me by just using a model that has curves.  That's nice, and they're beautiful, but what I want is "can't fit into a size 14 sample dress" representation, please.) 

Oh, and while I'm making requests for representation, here's another thought: How about some non-White models?  It can't be as hard as all that, can it? 

image of real bride via Allure Brides

'kay, I think I'm done with this point. Moving on...

Number four:  I'm cheap and wedding dresses aren't.  Our budget currently stands at $1600 for ALL apparel and accessories for BOTH of us. I can always use my own money to go over that amount, but ideally I'd stay within budget because it doesn't really mesh with my values to spend a lot of money on a dress I'll wear for a day. The only potential way around this would be to re-sell my dress after the wedding, which I'm totally fine with. But even with that option, I still can't afford to pony up the kind of money needed to buy most of the dresses I see advertised out there.

dress by Monique Lhuillier ($$$$ = $7000-$20,000)

 

To be honest there are probably way more reasons than the ones I've written about here, but I'll spare you from this becoming any more of a downward spiral than it already is! I think I've made my point abudantly clear - for a million and one reasons, I've put off figuring out that whole wedding dress thing and now I'm feeling really stuck.  What do I do?  

If you ever felt paralyzed in the dress shopping process, how did you move past it? 

The Great Weight Debate

Ugh... Okay, I'm gonna be real here. I'm not super thrilled about this topic. More than just the whole superficial "what woman wants to talk about her weight" thing is the fact that I have incredibly mixed feelings about this issue.

On the one hand, I have spent a significant portion of my life fighting for my self-esteem in the face of having a lifelong struggle with maintaining a healthy weight. Professionally I work with people in developing a more positive attitude and belief system around body image no matter their size, culture, age, ability level, health status, or anything else. I don't just believe in this as a theoretical construct - I live it!

image from The Body Shop's "Ruby" campaign, via Splinters in Time

On the other hand, I am human. More to the point, I'm a woman living in America. (I can't speak for other countries, though I know that some are more progressive on this issue than others.) Although I may do my best to be personally and professionally insulated from the unhealthy and often offensive messages aimed at women that exist out there, I am certainly not immune. 

image via Gawker

And the wedding world (blogosphere and otherwise) is a part of that culture. Being the over-researcher that I am, I'm constantly inundated with images of beautiful, dreamy, "I want that!" weddings. But I've been hard pressed to find images of brides in those weddings that look like me. Is it because they don't exist? Unlikely. More likely is that they aren't as prominently featured in blogs, advertisements, magazines, etc.

But seriously, who wouldn't want this:

image via Amber Kames' Flickr page

image of Cc.elaine bridal collection via The Curvy Fashionista

image via A Practical Wedding

So here's my dilemma... It's hard to have a foot on both sides of this argument. Trust me, I've tried. I can tell myself I'm losing weight for my health, and that wouldn't be a total lie. Or I could tell myself that I'm making an important personal/political statement by staying exactly as I am right now, and that wouldn't be a total lie. Both are true, yet neither is the whole story, ya know? 

Here is a picture of me taken about 4 years ago:

As you you can see, this would not be my first ride on the lose weight/get healthy merry-go-round. Back then I was working really hard - mentally, physically, and emotionally - to stay on top of my weight, but I recall it feeling amazing. In the past few years I've foregone that hard work for other kinds of hard work, specifically my career and my relationship, and seeing those things succeed also feels amazing.

And that's where I find myself. No clear and simple answers. Just the eternal struggle that is: to thine own self be true. 

Can anyone else relate?

A Little More Information

I'm going to try to answer the rest of your questions as best I can. Please forgive the question/answer format, but it was just easier that way. 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Q: How does it feel for you to write about Mr. FW as "he" even when discussing events that happened pre-transition. (For example, you wrote about your first date with him, not her.) Does it feel like you are rewriting your own past?
A: This is a really good question and an issue that can sometimes be a challenge for me. I used to do more of the whole, "Mr. FW, well back then it was Ms. FW, she did blah blah blah" but that got really long-winded. Plus it's difficult for me to go back and forth with pronouns and it's difficult for the listener to follow who I'm talking about. At this point I probably refer to Mr. FW, past and present, almost exclusively as male unless his female gender is related to the story I'm telling. Since nearly all of the people in our lives know that Mr. FW is trans, I don't typically have concerns that I'm hiding or re-writing anything. That's probably part of why it's so important for me to tell the truth about my life and our history.

Q: Are the people close to you and your FI open to talking about his former female identity, or is it more important to him that others leave that to the past?
A: Mr. FW is very open to it and the people in our life do bring it up from time to time, although I think there's always a pang of sadness for him at the reminder that he hasn't always been male.


Q: What qualified Mr. FW to be legally be a man? Was it the hormone therapy, the surgery, or a mix of both?

A: For Mr. FW it was the surgery. In general, a trans person needs a doctor's attestation that they've had an 'irreversible medical procedure' in order to legally change their gender.

Q: Did Mr. FW's training as a psychologist enable him to understand himself and his desire to transition to a man any better?
A: This is sort of like a 'chicken or the egg' question. I'm going to guess that it was Mr. FW's interest in and capacity for introspection that led him to the field of psychology, and it's the introspection that helped him with his transition rather than anything specific to his study of psychology (although I'm sure it didn't hurt).


Q: Will you have to give Mr. FW the testosterone injections forever?

A: There are many factors that go into this equation, but the short answer is yes. After some time he may be able to reduce his doseage and/or the frequency of injections.


Q: Is it harder to identify with Mr. FW now that he's a man? Did it ever feel like you were with a new person?
A: Honestly, no. For the entirety of our relationship Mr. FW has always been very stereotypically masculine in terms of his interests and hobbies. He has a very male energy, and that's probably one of the things that attracted me to him. But because he was brought up as a female, he also has many of the female socialization traits that are essential for me to have the kind of connection with him that I do.

Q: Does Mr. FW feel relieved to be seen as part of a heterosexual couple, since he identified all along as beng a male attracted to females? As you feel you lost part of your identity, does he feel he's been able to "reclaim" some of his, so to speak?
A: Certainly this process has been all about him being able to reclaim part of his identity. I asked him this question and I was surprised that he said yes, he does feel somewhat relieved to be seen as part of a heterosexual couple now. He said he thinks it's because he's been visibly queer all of his life, so a heterosexual relationship affirms what was a previously invisible part of his identity. For me, it was the other way around. Because I'm feminine-appearing, I've never been visibly queer outside of a lesbian relationship. To the extent that people previously seeing us as a lesbian couple would reaffirm his female-ness, being part of a heterosexual couple now affirms his male-ness.

Q: I was wondering if you found other couples treating you differently, both those that you knew before the transition and those that you continue to meet as the change occurs?

A: Yes and no. I think our friends pretty much treat us the same. (Although something funny that's begun to happen is that friends will 'forget' we can't get pregnant naturally. Ha!) Family members seems to relate to us well as a male/female couple preparing to get married. It makes me curious how they would have reacted if we were still a female/female couple, but I guess I'll never know. And obviously in larger society heterosexual couples are just treated very differently than are lesbian couples.

Q: Was Mr. FW's weight change purely hormonal?
A: He wishes! No, he was working hard to get healthier and he's done a really good job with it so far.

Q: It has always appeared to me that switching genders enforces the typical and traditional stereotypes of male and female, which is something that bothers me. Is this actually true?
A: There's obviously some correlation between having stereotypically cross-gender interests and potentially being more inclined towards a trans identity. That said, there are just as many ways to be transgender as there are to be male or female. I think transitioning does reinforce stereotypes, but it does so in the same way that entering into normative heterosexual marriage reinforces stereotypes. A person (or people) might look traditional and/or stereotypical from the outside but it doesn't have to be that way on the inside if you don't want it to be. You might be a traditional couple with stereotypical gender roles (or a traditional man with stereotypically male interests), or you could be something else altogether. Just like many other heterosexual couples we reinforce stereotypical gender roles in some ways (I take longer to get ready in the morning, Mr. FW likes to watch sports, and it's his job to take out the trash) and we don't in other ways (Mr. FW does the laundry, I manage all our finances, and he has a much stronger interest in staying at home with children than I do).

Many of you asked about our feelings regarding getting legally married when so many other LGBT couples cannot, and because that's such a complicated and delicate question I will dedicate a separate post to that topic later.
And thus ends my class on trans issues as they pertain to our relationship. :-) Whew! Did you make it this far? Now it's share time! Tell me - in what ways do you and your partner reinforce and defy traditions and stereotypes in your relationship?

We Are So Loved

Two weekends ago we had what I can only imagine is the closest approximation to a wedding we will ever have - prior to our actual wedding, that is. 

We had a wedding shower.

It was generously, and wonderfully, hosted by Mr. FW's aunt, sister, and mother who spent several months planning and then the better part of two days setting everything up.  So unbelievably thoughtful!  (Thank you all!!!)

The food was delicious, the company was incredible, I felt pampered beyond belief, I smiled so much my cheeks hurt, and we were surrounded by so much love that it's almost a little bit unbelievable to me. Bottom line: we had a great time. So what were the similarities to a wedding, you ask? Well, by the end of this epic party I had talked a little bit to a lot of people, had barely eaten anything, was forced to get over any uncomfortable feelings I had about being the center of attention, and I hadn't seen Mr. FW for most of the day.  I have to say, it was great practice for the big day. When people say that at your wedding you have to consciously try to spend time with everyone (including your partner) because it won't happen otherwise, or that you have to make sure you eat, they're not kidding. 

Our hostesses made a wonderful decision when they opted to make the shower co-ed because that is just so perfectly us. Sure, the tradition is for showers to be all-female affairs, and that knowledge certainly didn't escape several of our guests who were more than just a little curious about what men would do at a shower. But I think they fared just fine.

{observing/participating in the contest; the winner: three-dimensional accents and boho headpiece}

Mr. FW and I are so lucky, we are so loved, and we can't wait to get married!

If you've had a shower, did you find it to be a wondrous whirlwind like I did?  Would you ever consider a co-ed shower? 

Who Will Now Pronounce Us?

Choosing an officiant seems like it should be one of the more simple wedding decisions one can make. Either you choose a religious figure, or not. If not, you go with someone who has a close personal tie to you and your partner (and preferably has a penchant for public speaking).

Wow that sounds easy. Sign us up for non-religious-figure, closely-personally-tied with mad public speaking skills, please.

* chirp... chirp... ... chirp... ... ... *

image by Ande via Flickr

Uh huh, yeah, so umm that didn't work so well.

The first name we generated is a very good friend of ours and the partner of one of my Party People. I actually thought he'd already officiated a wedding for one of his friends, but when I asked him about this his response went, "No, I haven't. And I wouldn't want to. So much pressure and responsibility!"

 

So he was out, and we didn't have any close seconds. The other names we could think of felt a little too "my person" or "your person." And I didn't want to be married by a "your person" any more than I wanted to be married by a "my person." I wanted an "our person." Well, turns out that even after 5+years of dating, Mr. FW and I don't have all that many "our persons." And the ones we do have were already members of the wedding party.

Then one night  when we were out to dinner (Indian + buffet = delish / guilt), I again brought up the officiant topic. ('Cause you better believe I'm all about talking things to death until finally a decision is reached or one person relents/begs for mercy.)  Frustrated that we disagreed over whether one particular "our person" could split roles between wedding party member and officiant, I made some crazy comment like, "Well if one person can't go back and forth , what if they all officiated?" I wasn't really serious when I said it, but when we sat with the idea for a hot second it really started to grow on us.

Maybe instead of "our person," the officiant could be "our people."

Yes, what if the entire wedding party officiated?  What if they take turns leading us through various parts of the ceremony?  What if we could be married by community rather than by an individual? What if we could choose who would be best for which part of the ceremony based on personality and meaning? What if only one person, the person who has "the power vested in me," had to be official but shared their role equally with all others? What if we did this whole wedding ceremony thing in a totally non-traditional, achingly meaningful, completely lovely and oh*so*us kinda way? What if... it just... might... work...

image via dark.pozadia.org

The more I think about it, the more I smile. I so want everyone to officiate! But it's not set in stone, and we haven't really talked about how it would work logistically although our wedding party has said that they're on board if this is what we decide to do.  We're still in the planning phase on this one, but I'm thinking it might just be our best idea yet.

What would you think of a wedding ceremony performed by the wedding party? Any ideas about how we could make this work in a beatifully simple and deeply touching way?

Crafting the Card Box

While I'm working on answering the rest of your questions, let's get back to the wedding crafting for just a bit, shall we?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The wedding blogosphere indicates you need a cardbox. Some people in our lives have questioned this, but when I googled "Do I need a cardbox at my wedding?" much of the web evidence points to 'yes.'  We decided to use a gray box we already had (a gift box from some shaving stuff Mr. FW received last year - cuz, ya know, he shaves now).  It was the perfect size and, yes, free. While I was taking a post-wedding-meltdown nap one day, Mr. FW put his spin on our cardbox. He said to me, "If this were just my wedding, this is the way I would do the cardbox."

He was afraid I would post this picture here to make fun of him, but I'm really not. I post it as evidence of what our strengths and weaknesses are in this relationship. Mr. FW's strength has always been functionality. He took a box that had a lift-off lid and he used painter's tape (in our wedding color!) to create a "hinge" on the back of the box. It works like a dream! Then he used my craft machines and paper to make the letters.

My strength is aesthetics.

And here's the tutorial:

First I used my die cutting machine (the Big Shot) to cut out the skyline image, which I then backed in white. An adhesive eraser removed the excess adhesive showing in the windows or around the edges.

Then I used Mod Podge (gloss finish) to secure the skyline cutout to the box and seal over the top of it. Using a foam brush, I painted Mod Podge onto the box, stuck on the syline paper, and then painted more on the top. I did about 4 layers of Mod Podge without waiting for it to dry in-between. When it's wet, it's white like this.

After it dries, it looks like this.

I was surprised how much the color of the paper changed in this process. On the left side is the Mod Podged paper, and on the right side is the black paper beforehand.

And so you don't make the same mistake I did, make sure to prop your box open before applying the Mod Podge. Otherwise you will have to use an Exacto knife to pry open your box, like I did. Which I "fixed" with a gray marker.

Then I moved on to the ribbon border on the lid. I cut the ribbon to length and sealed the edges with a flame. I then attached it to the back "hinge" on the box with hot glue. I ran dots of hot glue about 1/2 inch apart, a few at a time (so they wouldn't dry before I could put the ribbon on).

Next I assembled the "striped" ribbon, layering a thin black ribbon on top of my silver ribbon. I cut two lengths to do the left and right sides of the lid, sealed the ribbon edges, and attached them to the lid.

For the top and bottom edges of the lid, I cut my lengths a little longer than the lid itself so that I could wrap them around to the bottom side, which creates a more finished look.

Now the box just needed a sign. I created the digital layout for the cut file with the program that my Bosskut Gazelle uses.

I cut out two pieces, backing the blue paper with white so there was a border and the letters would clearly show through. I attached it to the lid with minimal adhesive so that I could easily take the sign off later and reuse the box for other purposes.

In order to prop up the lid, I "cut" a length of wire (from a wire hanger) by bending it back and forth repeatedly in the same spot until it snapped. This is easier if you use a pair of pliers to hold the wire still. Coloring it black with a permanent market made it blend in better. I made an L-shaped bend on both ends, hot gluing one bend to a bottom interior corner of the box, then the other to the bottom of the lid. I only put the minimal amount of hot glue necessary to hold the wire because I want to later take the wire out and allow the box to close fully again.

Voila! There you have it. A DIY-chic-unique card box that cost almost nothing to create and can be reused for other purposes in the future.

Where do you stand on the cardbox / no cardbox issue?