The Timeline: Part 3

One year and nine months after coming out to me, 364 days after starting testosterone, and eight months after having top surgery, Mr. FW officially became a 'mister' in the eyes of the law. 

{It's Mr. FW}

With guidance from the super helpful information provided by the Transgender Law Center, Mr. FW worked with his medical doctor for several weeks to draft a letter with all of the very precise language needed to satisfy the requirements of both federal (social security, passport) and state (court, DMV, birth certificate) agencies.  With the letter and a lot of other forms firmly in hand, he was assigned a court date for his legal name and gender change hearing.  We went together to court that day along with probably fifteen other people.  Many were women changing their names and/or their kids' names due to marriage or divorce, some were just changing their first name to something they preferred better, and two people were there to change their name and gender. 

The 'hearing' was quick.  Just a minute at the microphone in front of the judge (and everyone else in the room), and half an hour later we walked out of there with a several certified copies of the court order that would very literally change our lives.  For starters, Mr. FW could begin the tedious and annoying process of applying for new identity documents and changing his name on all of his accounts.  For those of you who've changed your name before, I'm sure you recall the hours and hours of time you spent reading and filling out paperwork.

{a small sampling of said paperwork}

So the court order allowed Mr. FW to get new documents, yes, but it also had other important and mind-bending ramifications for our relationship. Now that he was legally male, we could legally get married. It's what I like to call the Marriage Loophole. Before we went to court that morning we were a lesbian couple in the eyes of the law, with no ability to access the rights and responsibilities of state-sanctioned marriage. But within just half an hour in front of a judge, well, then we could totally get married just like any other heterosexual couple. Same two people, same relationship, same genetic hardware - but now we could be official.  (And just for fyi's sake, the Marriage Loophole usually works in the other direction as well, depending on the state. If one member of a married heterosexual couple transitions genders, that couple is allowed to remain legally married even though they will appear to the world as a gay or lesbian couple because their marriage was legal at the time it took place.)

image via Wikipedia

Having the power to choose whether or not to make our union legal is something I'd never dreamed of and it really made me evaluate my thoughts and feelings about marriage - what it means, what its purpose is, and how I feel about accessing it.  Because I've stood on the other side of that marriage dividing line I can honestly say there is enormous privilege in being able to make that choice (something I'd assumed before, but hadn't felt firsthand until recently).  That's a bigger topic deserving of its own post, though.  For now I'm concentrating on a post answering your remaining questions before I get back to the nitty gritties of our of our wedding planning process.

Did you know about the Marriage Loophole?  If you're a person who has access to legal marriage, would you ever consider having a ceremony without necessarily making it legal?

The Timeline, Part 2

Mr. FW started on testosterone in October of 2009, just a few days shy of our 5-year dating anniversary. As is typical, his primary care physician required the letter from his psychologist in order to okay him for hormone treatment. I went with him to his appointment and a nurse trained me before I gave Mr. FW his first testosterone injection. So I (of the needle phobia variety) have actually given Mr. FW the majority of his injections for over a year. I'm pretty proud of myself for that, actually, and it serves as a concrete way that I can be a part of his transition process. 

From my perspective, there are a few testosterone-induced changes that really stand out.  Most obviously there's the stuff like voice deepening and a massive increase in body hair (and that adolescent acne phase, but we don't have to think about that any more - thank you benzoyl peroxide).  Listening to Mr. FW on old videos is like listening to an entirely different person, and it's so weird to think he ever sounded like that.  Another really significant change is that Mr. FW doesn't cry as much now - like hardly ever.  I knew lots of other trans guys experienced this change as well, but I secretly hoped it wouldn't happen for us.  Boo...  Mr. FW says that anger comes more easily for him now and he'll have to "sit through that rush of energy" in order for other emotions to come, but I haven't really noticed him being angrier so he must be doing a good job managing it.  Other than those things, the testosterone changes have been really subtle and I've never once felt like Mr. FW was fundamentally different from the person he was pre-testosterone.

{our  before picture}

Remember in this post, where I hinted about my engagement gift to Mr. FW?  I wanted to get him something as lasting and memorable (and financially substantial) as a diamond ring, and it turns out that there was something he really wanted to have as well:  chest surgery (or top surgery).  Very few insurance plans will cover top surgery, so it's definitely a financial hardship.  And that's how Fr. FW ended up with engagement surgery, while I got an engagement ring.   

I totally understood why he needed to have top surgery.  He was binding (minimizing the appearance of his chest) on a regular basis, but people were still reading him as female.  His physique without the binder was definitely female-appearing, and he wanted to have a physical body that was more in-line with his internal gender identity.  He needed surgery.  Maybe I did too, at least on some logical level.  If I was going to have a male partner I supposed I preferred one with a male chest rather than a female chest.  That's logical, understandable.  But it didn't matter.  For him I was so happy, but for me I was so very sad.  All of the masculinizing changes that happen with testosterone happen gradually, so I had a lot of time to get used to them.  (Sometimes too much time - like the fact that Mr. FW still has adolescently-patchy facial hair.  Yikes.)  But this change was immediate and final.  Once he was out of surgery I could never have him back the way he was before.  As Mr. FW pointed out to me, this same argument could be made for facial hair and a deeper voice, but top surgery felt totally different to me.  Even though both of us could understand where the other was coming from, I don't think either of us could fully relate to the other about this issue.  All I could do was be happy for him, but I couldn't really join him in that happiness.  And likewise all he could do was to be sad for my sense of loss because he couldn't be sad himself. 

His surgery was scheduled for February of 2010, but because I'd just started a new job I wasn't able to go with him.  So before I left for work that morning I kissed him (and them) goodbye.  I still get teary thinking about that moment when I quietly whispered to them, "I have loved you well." 

Post-surgery we both had a lot of adjusting to do to his new physique.  Not only did he look different, but when we were hugging or cuddling he felt different too.  But adjust we did, and now after many months of healing, Mr. FW is noticeably more confident in his appearance than he ever was before.  That has been so gratifying for me, and I can't think of a better engagement gift I could have given him than the freedom he gained from that surgery.

So if you're following along the timeline, you'll notice that we started talking concretely about wedding planning in January of 2009 and Mr. FW had surgery in February of 2010.  One of the (many) reasons we decided to wait a while to have the wedding was to allow sufficient time for Mr. FW's  body to masculinize.  It was important to me that we could look back on our wedding pictures and see the man that he is and not the woman he was.  And now we can certainly do that.

{at our wedding shower this past weekend - more on that later}

Okay, I didn't quite get to the legal process in this post so that's what I'll tackle next.  For now, Hive, tell me how you've stood beside your partners through situations that the two of you didn't agree on, and how did that impact your relationship? 

The Timeline, Part 1

To the Hive: I just want to thank you again for the overwhelming support you gave to me and Mr. FW in my last post. You are incredible, and I am so very proud to be a part of such an amazing community. I have noted every one of your questions, and I’ll be slowly working my way through them over my next few posts. You rock!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In January of 2009 Mr. FW and I took a weekend trip to Los Angeles, and on a romantic walk down the hill from the Getty Museum we talked seriously for the first time about planning a wedding. The prospect of that started to feel real, and we were elated.

{sunset at the Getty}

Just a day later we were driving back to San Francisco from Los Angeles when Mr. FW tearfully told me that he was jealous of a female-to-male trans friend of ours. (Female-to-male, or FTM, means born biologically female and transitioning to male.) 

Over that 6 hour car ride Mr. FW told me about his long history of questioning his gender identity and how hard he’d worked over the years to find ways to be happy with himself as a butch lesbian. He explained to me that he was genuinely happy with his life, but that he had a strong sense he could be happier and more comfortable if he could live his life as a man. What stopped him from seriously considering this in the past, he said, was a fear that he would lose me or his family, and he told me that if transitioning meant losing me that he wouldn’t even consider it. Loving him as I did, I of course wanted nothing more than for him to be happy, comfortable, and authentic. So we both started coming to grips with the idea that he would very likely begin a gender transition at some point in the future.

Looking back I can see all of these ’signs’ that Mr. FW was exploring his gender identity, like making attempts to masculinize his appearance in various ways and expressing discomfort with his name and feminine aspects of his body. But because we believe so strongly that gender is both a spectrum and a social construct, I can honestly say that I didn’t consciously equate this exploration with a trans identity. I was just accepting of him expressing his female identity however he wanted to, so him saying he thought he was trans came as a complete surprise to me.

{Valentine's dinner followed by a show}

We had a wonderful evening together on Valentine’s Day of 2009, but apparently that night we came home and I began expressing concerns that maybe our relationship wouldn’t be able to sustain this trans thing. I say ‘apparently’ because I honestly don’t remember most of the conversation and I don’t know what spurred it. I just remember feeling distant, almost numb, and sincerely fearful that our relationship might end because of something I had little control over.

It was sensitive between us for the next few days, but I think in that time I realized some important things about my own process. I learned that I was worried a gender transition would fundamentally change the partner I knew and loved. When I expressed that to Mr. FW he was easily able to convince me that if and when I had those concerns, he would listen to them and take them seriously. I also realized that my primary fears about him being a man were based on the worst stereotypes about masculinity run amok—things like explosive anger and a lack of emotional sensitivity—traits that I logically knew were so far from who Mr. FW is that it would take more than just a little testosterone to result in those changes. Throughout this process, my love for Mr. FW and my desire to spend my life with him never waivered, and I also never doubted his commitment to me.

Over the next few months we talked to each other about gender stuff honestly, openly, and often. We made little changes like experimenting with updating the name and gender of Mr. FW’s Mii on our Wii system or calling him “papa” to the dogs. Because Mr. FW is in graduate school for clinical psychology he was already required to completely 45 hours of personal psychotherapy prior to graduation, so he began counseling both to complete the requirement as well as to establish a therapeutic relationship so the psychologist could write the necessary letters for him. (Medical doctors will often require an assessment of psychological stability prior to beginning a hormone regimen or clearing someone for surgery.)

{ATV'ing in port}

There wasn’t really a way to masculinize Mr. FW’s female name, but he did want to keep the same first initial because he and his siblings all share it. We talked about various potential names, and I distinctly remember being really excited the morning we considered the awesome name Mr. FW eventually chose. I’m also pretty sure I single-handedly chose his middle name, though Mr. FW disagrees with that. We went on a cruise in June of that summer and Mr. FW asked if I could use the cruise as an opportunity to practice using male pronouns and his new name. That very first night we were at the buffet and we got separated. I turned around and I could see him looking for me, but his back was to me. In that moment I honestly would have preferred to just trail him for the next 5 minutes with a loaded down tray than to have to say that new name so he’d turn around. I felt so embarrassed, like somehow people would know I was calling someone by the ‘wrong’ name. That name was so foreign it had no meaning, and I felt pissed that I was being asked to do it in the first place. And truthfully I’m not sure I felt any more comfortable with it by the end of the week than I did at the beginning, but I was trying.

In August of that year, I addressed a birthday card to his new name for the very first time. (A birthday is a poignant time to welcome a new identity, no?) That birthday kind of marked the point when we both started making a concerted effort to consistently refer to him by his male name and male pronouns. We began the long process of coming out to everyone in our lives, and there were some people who had a difficult time with the news. Of course that was really painful for us, but by that time we’d been living with this reality for seven months, which made it a lot easier for us to fully understand and comfort each other through those challenges. Overall, though, we are exceptionally lucky and blessed in that we have so many supportive people around us in all areas of our lives (and that now includes the Hive!).

And that’s the story of how all of this started for us. In my next post I plan to cover our experiences with hormones, surgery, and the legal gender change process.

Has anyone else gone through a name change (gender-related or not) with someone before? How did you handle it?

Putting It Out There

Some of you more observant and savvy folks out there may be able to guess what this post will be all about.  Here's a hint:



{then}



{and now}

So that's Mr. FW, and Mr. FW is transgender (or just trans, for short).  He was born genetically female but has been transitioning to a male body and a male identity since the Fall of 2009. 

Side note:  I know this could potentially be a lightning rod issue here in the Hive, so I want to make it clear that I'm only posting this in an effort to tell the truth about my life - not to start a war of words.  That said, I welcome your comments and questions - including ones that represent a difference of opinion - but I just ask you to please be respectful of me and other Hive members.  I know I can trust y'all to do just that, thankyaverymuch.

Most of the "big" changes have already happened and there will continue to be a lot of smaller changes that will happen over the next few years.  But what I most wanna talk about is how this has changed our relationship and, by extension, me.

During our first 4 years together, Mr. FW and I were actually a lesbian couple.  So all those formative relationship years, where we were getting to know each other and beginning to plan our future together, we were two women.  The person I knew was a woman, and the future I envisioned was with a woman.  Even though I've historically identified as bisexual or queer, being in a 4-year relationship with a woman had a way of shifting my identity towards the lesbian side of the spectrum.  That's what people saw when we walked down the street, so for all intents and purposes, that's what we were. 

Cut to early 2009, when Mr. FW "came out" to me as transgender.  I had a flurry of feelings and went through many different and wildly varying reactions in that first month.  There are several things I'd change about that time if I could do it all over again, but I try not to be too hard on myself for what that process looked like.  I have trans friends and I've worked with trans clients, but I think things are different when they touch you personally and when they'll change your life so drastically.  It really only took that first month before Mr. FW and I again felt really solid as a couple.  That's not to say we haven't had gender-related issues we've had to work through since then, but after that first month it was pretty clear that we were both committed to the relationship come hell or high water. 

People say to me all the time, "This must be so hard for you."  And sometimes it is hard, but maybe not for the reasons that people might think.  Truly the hardest part for me is a loss of identity.  Since I was young I have strongly identified with being non-heterosexual.  Yes, I was attracted to men.  But I was attracted to women also.  And the sole defining factor of my attraction is generally someone's personality.  Mr. FW's personality hasn't changed, so he really feels like the same person to me.  It's not the changes in him that have been difficult; it's the changes in other people that are really tough for me.

These days it's very rare for us to be seen as anything but a heterosexual couple when we walk down the street.  And let me just say for the record - the world feels so different as a heterosexual couple.

image via sayingimages.com

Yes, we live in San Francisco where some of those differences are washed away in the culture.  But even in San Francisco there are times when I meet someone who is LGBT-identified and when I talk to them about my partner without the pronoun "she," I no longer have the benefit of that feeling of... family.  That connection that comes when you realize you share something important in common with someone else.  That's a big loss that I notice quite frequently. 

When we venture outside this happy urban oasis, what I notice is how it feels to live a life where people aren't watching you all the time.  We walk down the street and people don't even notice us, which you'd think would be a good thing.  And it is, don't get me wrong.  But I'm realizing the extent to which being in a lesbian relationship necessarily made me feel different and special and strong.  I learned to be ready to defend my relationship at a moment's notice, or to shrug off nasty comments, or to walk by gaping strangers with my head held high.  And now...  well...  now I don't need that strength as often, and I don't feel that specialness as much.  That's a big loss, and it's something I'm working to recover in other ways.

Just as I have been patient and as understanding as possible with Mr. FW's transition, so he has been wonderfully patient and understanding of the transition this has meant for me.  That's one of the reasons I know that our marriage will be a successful one, because we have already come so far and dealt with so much.  Together.  As a couple.  As a formerly-lesbian-now-kinda-heterosexual couple.  :-)

I know in this post I haven't talked about concrete issues like name change, legal process, family reactions, or any of those other ways that a gender change impacts a relationship and a wedding.  I'll try to cover those topics in a future post(s), especially if you're interested.

Now, Hive, what questions do you have for me about trans stuff?  (Feel free to ask anonymously, as a 'guest.')  I'm happy to answer questions I feel comfortable with, either in the comments or in another post, and I'll let you know if something feels too personal to me.  And has anyone else dealt with a world-rocking change during the course of your relationship?

Unexpected Venue Choice

Whatever aversions I had to hotel ballroom weddings (and thanks to being in wedding blogland for a while, I had a lot) fizzled pretty quickly when we realized that their wedding 'packages' would mean a little less planning for us and a lot more convenience for our guests.  Those things are hard to definitively put a price on, but when we did the calculations as best we could we figured that having our ceremony and reception at a hotel (depending on the specific hotel, of course because I'm not talking the Ritz Carlton here) might cost us $1-2000 more than another venue.  And we decided that was worth it to us. 

When we went to visit the Parc 55 Hotel we were already impressed with some of their package perks (free suite for the wedding night, free hour of open bar, etc.).  We toured some of the typical ceremony spaces on the lower floors when, on a whim, I asked the coordinator whether they had any spaces with unbelievable views, even if the room wasn't technically an event space.  She led us up to the Club Lounge on the 30-somethingth floor.  The room is small and awkwardly laid out, not all of ours guests would be able to have a seat, and there are some elements of the room we would definitely need to camouflage. 

That said, ohmystars - the view!  Just... breathtaking!  We were there in the daytime, so with all the windows around the room there was a gorgeous view of downtown San Francisco and the bay.  Mr. FW and I were floored.  We stood there quietly staring out the windows together, soaking in our unspoken agreement that we really wanted to get married in that.very.spot.  We didn't need to see anything else, because we were clearly sold.  This was our venue!

In my mind I was trying to picture what those windows would look like at night, full of city lights.  Going back to the site many months later, here is what I found:

{Forgive the terrible quality.  But even with it, you can see the awesomeness, right?}

Ah-mazing!  We love, love, love it!  Of course, like any space, it has its challenges.  The view from the entry door is strange:

{ceremony location on the other side of this built-in marble table}

There are some cabinets, a tv, and a breakfast prep area that I'd like to conceal:

{Any idea how we could cover these?}

And... the thing I didn't give all that much thought to when we booked the place, the lighting:



{Oh hello strange lighting scheme, uninvited reflection, and washed-out city lights.}

If you notice in this picture, you can see that the lighting scheme consists of overhead recessed lighting (not on because it's bright) and several floor lamps (awkward for a ceremony, yeah?).  Also, and this is the dealbreaker for me, the lamplight is being reflected in the window!  Yes, in the window that would be our ceremony backdrop!  I want pictures of us in front of the city lights, not us in front of reflections of floor lamps.  So we're going to send some of these pictures to our photographers and ask for their input about how to tackle the lighting in the room. 

So that's the unique little space where we're going to hold the ceremony.  Then everyone will traipse downstairs to the ballroom, where we will use 2 of the 3 ballroom sections.  Here is one of the sections set up conference-style:

{let's just keep this set-up, shall we?}

As you can probably tell, I am not a person who is generally compelled by pictures of traditional hotel ballroom receptions.  I blame this almost entirely on blogland, but I also have to take some responsibility for it.  See, we're not having flowers.  And we're not going to use round tables.  We're not going to have a multi-tier wedding cake.  And we probably won't have a dj.  Ya know, all the things that are usually associated with hotel ballroom receptions.  There's absolutely nothing wrong with those things, of course.  We're just not going that route, which means that we are absurdly committed to finding ways to have a nontraditional wedding in a fairly traditional hotel setting.  The first step for us was choosing an offbeat ceremony location at the hotel.  The next step is to successfully decorate the ballroom in a way that conveys our laidback-chic DIY-craftastic style.  We have lot of ideas, but of course it's the execution that counts!

Did you include any hotels in your venue search - why or why not?  And if you've ever seen a nontraditionally-styled hotel wedding, what did it look like? 

The (Affordable) Venue Hunt

I don't know where this thought came from, but I'm acutely aware than when we first started looking at wedding venues in San Francisco I honestly believed that for $10,000 we could have a November wedding and get a conveniently-located city lights view and/or waterfront venue for no more than 100 people that would include site rental fees, equipment/furniture rentals, open bar, food, lighting, audio, dance floor, music, wedding day coordinator, decorations, and a photobooth (and those are just the requirements I can remember right now).

Let me just say for the record, I was W-R-O-N-G wrong.

You can absolutely have some of those elements for that cost, but you can't have all of them.  And trying to decide what to leave off the list felt to me like trying to decide which of my two front teeth I'd rather live without.

So instead of finding things to strike from our "want" list, we began by simply trying to minimize the costs of those things we saw as necessities for our ceremony and reception: site rental fees, food, and alcohol.  After seeing a few places and ruling out those that were too expensive, we were left with 4 options.

First up, The Box SF. 

all above images from The Box SF Yelp page

The overall style of this place was such a good fit for us.  It had that open and airy loft feel and big windows with cool views.  The long table is made from 300-year old antique village gate doors from China, and in person it is simply spectacular!  The size of the space, though, would definitely have limited our guest list to no more than 75 people and we'd have to leave the space in between the ceremony and reception so they could turn it over.  Also, it's located in a fairly gritty part of town.  With the public transportation options around there, our guests would definitely have to walk through several blocks of a less-than-splendorific locale in order to reach the place - and then do it not once, but twice if we had to come back for the reception.  The deal-breaker for us?  Lack of air conditioning.  Pack 75 people into this tiny space, and those pictures are for sure going to look like they were taken at a water park rather than a wedding. 

 

Next up, Blue Sky Rental Studios. 

above 3 pictures from the Blue Sky Rental Studios website

This place just looks cool, right?  And they're ridiculously affordable, in SF terms.  I didn't bring my camera here either, so I apologize.  ( Wasn't a blogger yet.  I'm better now, I swear.)  The building is located right next to a MUNI train line so it would be super easy for our guests to get here, and the neighborhood is not that bad.  All in all there was tons of space and they seemed really open to letting us do whatever we wanted with it.  There were a few scratch-your-head-in-wonder type moments, though.  First of all these studios are located inside a massive, massive building that houses what must be hundreds of other businesses.  Getting to their front door was an epic adventure (like, I'm pretty sure we passed a sweatshop on the way - no lie), and I wondered how in the world we'd come up with enough signage to direct our guests so that they wouldn't find themselves lost in an industrial warehouse.  On that note, the warehouse vibe is crazy cool but also kind of intimidating when you're trying to figure out how to disguise the random kitchenette or hanging cabinets, how to conceal the shower in the bathroom, or how to dampen the echo off all the concrete. 

Next in line, the Fort Mason Center Firehouse. 

above 2 images from the Firehouse website

photography by Robert Domondon Photography

picture found online via a website that no longer exists

As you can see, this place is pretty tiny as well.  But it was adorable, and so affordable!  Right on the water, secluded from the other buildings of the Fort Mason Center, and a lot of nearby parking.  It had several separate rooms so that we could create a lounge area or a photobooth area if we wanted to.  They allow you to use any caterer you want, including caterers who will let you buy your own alcohol for them to serve.  Major cost saver!  Loved loved loved the high ceilings.  It's such a blank slate that it would need a fair amount of DIY decoration to make it what we wanted, plus there are some weird, umm... architectural? features, such as the old water fountains attached the wall.   The size of the space means we would again have had to leave the space after the ceremony to turn it over for the reception, but at least this venue was in a great part of town for some sightseeing. 

Right down the way from the Firehouse is the Fort Mason Conference Center. 

above 4 images from the Conference Center website

I wish I had taken my camera to this space because we really, really liked it.  The rules for catering were the same as the Firehouse, making this another good deal.  At this space there were again several rooms available to us, all with windows looking out over the marina full of sailboats.  I haven't actually been on many sailboats in my life, but it seems romantical, no?  There was a room large enough for a wonderfully-intimate-but-not-overcrowded ceremony space, and then we could adjourn to a reception space large enough for all the tables plus a bar, photobooth, and dance floor.  Another small room was perfect for the caterers to set up in, and there were restrooms in this suite of rooms so that everything could be self-contained.  The price for all-day rental was higher than the Firehouse, but we wouldn't have to leave and come back, which would save us money on transportation for our guests.  Everything was a total blank slate, and they seemed really willing to work with us to allow us to create whatever vision we had in mind.

While we were here, we were looking at each other like, "this is it!"  Even after our appointment was over we hung around outside the building, peering in through the windows talking about where we would place everything and how great a location it is.  We were *this close* to ending our venue search...


Did you come close to picking a venue, only to change your mind?

A Piercing Dilemma

As you may have noticed in my previous posts, I have two facial piercings.  There's a diamond nose ring I've had for about 5 years and an eyebrow ring I've had for 10 years.  (Yes, I am aware that *no one* has an eyebrow ring any more.  That's part of my dilemma...)  In general, I am completely oblivous to them.  And just for the record, I think I'm fairly unadventurous in my appearance other than these piercings - no tattoos, no eclecticly fabulous wardrobe, no brightly colored hair or funky/fun haircut.  I work a professional job and no one has ever asked me about them in a job interview or any other work setting (take that, Mom!).  And as an obligatory note, of course there's nothing wrong with having a more adventurous appearance, obviously (says the girl with two piercings... in her face!). 


{both piercings on display, albeit a larger eyebrow ring than I have now}

A few years ago, on a total whim, I decided I'd outgrown my eyebrow ring and I took it out for the very first time ever.  And I freaked the eff out!  I didn't recognize my face anymore.  I started crying, and I called Mr. FW to ask for his help in putting it back in (a story in its own right).  After that experience I've twice decreased the size of the ring to make it less conspicuous, and I'm pretty happy with how it looks now.  (The nose ring is so teensy that most people don't notice it anyway, so I hardly ever think about it.)When I ask my friends about the eyebrow ring, they all tell me that they love it, they can't imagine me without it, and that it's super unique and "Ms. FW-esque" because few other people have eyebrow piercings right now.  But I've always had the nagging sense that someday I'd feel "too old" or "too professional" or "too uninterested in piercings," and I'd take it out for good. 

I never considered that I might feel "too bride-y" for my eyebrow ring - but I kinda do.  Although I have no idea of the kind of image I want to project of myself on our wedding day, I'm not positive that an eyebrow ring will fit that image.  Do I want to look back at pictures of our wedding 50 years from now and see myself with this piercing?  On the other hand, how would I react to having ALL of our wedding pictures feature me without my eyebrow ring?  I honestly can't imagine taking it out and not having that very visible piece of myself present on such a big day.  I mean, I literally don't have a single picture of myself without my eyebrow ring since I was... wait for it...  19 years old! 

Here's a photoshopped before-and-after I did so you can see what my gorgeous mug looks like without my statement piercing:


{left - that's me!; right - who is that girl?!}

So I'm curious what y'all think.  Should I stick with the face I've known for 10 years, or do I take the plunge now so I can get used to it before the wedding? 

And if you've had a similar question for yourself, how did you ultimately decide what to do?